'Who Am I?' - Conversations with Franie E1

"What do you want?"

  I don't know. Am I supposed to want anything?

"Why of course! You are human ain't ya? You humans always want something."

  Why is that?

"Why is what?"

  Why do we always want something?

"Well for one, you are wired that way. It is how you make yourself continue your journey of living. If there is nothing to want then there is nothing left to live for. 

  So in essence you are asking me what I am living for?

"It is good to see that you are thinking, well done."

  I don't know.

"This is strange. You are becoming a peculiar case for me. Ok let us put this another way. What makes you happy?"

  I am not sure I even know what it means to be happy anymore.

"You sound depressed."

  Well I have been depressed for the most part of a long time now.

"No, you have only been depressed because you keep telling yourself you are depressed. It is all in your mind."

  I guess I figured that part out. I have so many questions Franie and I don't know where to begin.

"Ask me the first thing that comes to your mind."

  What on earth am I here for?

"What do you think?"

  I don't know that is why I am asking you.

"You must know as you are the only one who can know. It is something no one else but you can figure out. Why do you think you are here? Think about it."

  I have thought about it. 

"Well not hard enough obviously else you wouldn't be here asking me. Think again. Think deeply." 

  I am here to give myself?

"Are you asking me?"

  I am here to give myself.

"Well that's a start but that is not it entirely. It is far deeper than just giving yourself you see."

  I am very confused about this.

"You should be. Discovering your life purpose isn't exactly the easiest thing."

  Am I supposed to define my purpose on my own or is this something already preordained that I come to a realization of?

"It works both ways. You might get a sense of a preordained purpose and it is what continually pushes you to the point where you then have to define a purpose for yourself."

  Doesn't that begin from knowing who I am?

"Who are you?"

  I am Elohor.

"No, that is your name. Who are you?"

  I am a writer.

"No, that is your gift and calling or vocation or whatever. Not exactly who you are."

  Franie you confuse me.

"Sorry."

  *sigh*

"What do you want?"

  I want to be Happy.

"Well then Be Happy."

  How?

"Just Be. Happiness is a state of being. It isn't something you do that makes you happy, it is because you are happy that something you do feels good."

  So you mean I should just be happy? Like some kind of switch I just turn on and off?

"Yes that's right. And you can turn it on this instant if you wanted to. See? Snap snap! Happy! Not happy. Happy! Not happy."

  You are not making sense.

"Yeah to you I ain't."

  I feel worse talking to you.

"That is just how you have chosen to feel honey. It is not my doing."

  What do you do for fun Franie? 

"I observe you."

  What have you observed so far?

"Well for one you are very hard on yourself. You haven't let yourself enjoy anything in a long time and I do think that is sad." 

  What do you mean?

"When last did you have fun?"

  My life hasn't exactly been fun for a long time now hence the depression.

"No honey, you are just refusing to see the fun in every moment. And that's what I mean when I say you have been hard on yourself."

  I don't know what to do, I am so tired. I am not happy.

"Only because you keep throwing your words out like that with all that negativity behind it. Watch your words woman, they would make or break you!"

  *sigh*

"Don't sigh. Take it back."

  Take what back.

"Take all that negativity back and express yourself in better words. Speak positively about yourself."

  But that would be me not facing reality. 

"No that would be you creating your reality. Instead of saying 'I am not happy' how about you say 'I have been blind to the beautiful things of life and I am ready to open my eyes now and enjoy life in all its fullness."

  Franie you are too deep for me abeg.

"And you are too strong-headed."

  Don't get me wrong, I totally understand what you mean but how about we deal with the issue at hand first. 

"There is no issue that you haven't created by yourself honey. It is all in your head."

  If you could give me one advice, what would it be?

"Start with why."

  Start with why?

"Yes."

  What do you mean?

"Why do you do the things you do? Why do you like the things you like? Why are you sitting at the basketball court now? Why are you talking to me right now? Why did you call your ex an hour ago? Why did you go for a HIV test today? Why haven't you had anything to eat but bananas all day? Why?"

  Wow! Are you always observing me?

"Yep! That is what I do."

  You are not expecting me to answer all those questions are you?

"Why yes, of course I am! In answering them you understand yourself better."

  Where do I start?

"Start with why?"

  Why what?

"Why do you do the things you do?"

  Because I want to do them. 

"Is that so?"

  I don't know.

"If you say 'I don't know' one more time I would leave."

  Where to?

"Back into the back of your mind."

  Is that where you stay? You don't go be with someone else?

"No, I am your Franie."

  Does everyone have their own Franie?

"Yes but they call them different names. You have decided to call me Franie and I think it is a cute name so it's ok."

  I have to go.

"Do you? Or are you just tired of talking with me?"

  I love talking with you.

"Awww so sweet. Okay one more question before I let you go. How do you feel now?"

  Better. 

"Good."

  It was nice talking with you Franie.

"Same here pumpkin. Don't kiss your ex tonight when he comes. I know you have been thinking about it."

  How do you know? 

"I observe you silly. I know everything."

  But I miss him.

"No you don't. That's just what you tell yourself."

  Is he bad?

"Only you can answer that."

  But you just said you know everything.

"Yes, everything you know."

  Oh Franie!

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